What's It Like to Be a Guy Who's Never Done It? Exploring the Stigma of Male Virginity
January 20, 2023
Share
Tweet
Flip
When you think about it, virginity is a weird social construct. It exists because, as a society, we decided that it does and that it matters.
We've gone as far as to decide that losing your virginity is cool if you're a guy, but that if you lose it too early as a girl, you're used goods. But what actually defines someone as a male virgin?
According to Dr. Lee Phillips, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, the term "male virgin" usually refers to a man who has never engaged in sexual intercourse. "However, it can also be a male who has never engaged in sexual activity with another person," he says. "This may include mutual masturbation, kissing, making out and oral sex."
A recent report from the Guttmacher Institute states that 65% of 18-year-olds have had sexual intercourse. By age 25, that number increases to 93%.
For men like Sam H., 27, being excluded from an experience most people his age have had can feel isolating. "Only one of my close friends knows the truth about my virginity," he says. "I usually pretend to know what people are talking about when sex comes up."
The Stigma of Male Virginity
From sitcoms to rom-coms to porn, men in the media are portrayed as sex-hungry, intercourse-obsessed creatures driven by a carnal need to fornicate. Men who don't fit that stereotype, like male virgins, tend to become stigmatized.
"Some stigmas associated with male virgins include that they're weird, have mental health issues, are gay if they identify as heterosexual, are too picky or are not sexual because they don't like sex," says Phillips. "These stigmas are believed to be true because we live in a culture where it is believed that men love sex and that it is all they want."
For Sam, one barrier to losing his virginity has been not wanting to have the experience in a "hook-up" setting. "At this point, I can't imagine my first time being a one-night stand," he says.
This is something that Phillips says is typical for male virgins who have not had first-time sex yet.
Though it may go against broad cultural stereotypes, the truth is, "Some men want to feel safe and secure before having sex," Phillips says.
Why Male Virgin Stigmas Are Damaging
When you've failed to have an experience that everyone around you has had many times over, it's easy to start believing that something must be wrong with you.
"These stigmas are harmful because they can trigger shame, anxiety and depression," says Phillips.
This puts male virgins at risk of internalizing these feelings, which can cause them to isolate and even give up on pursuing a relationship, Phillips continues.
"I've gone through periods where I put myself out there on apps and in social settings to try and meet someone, but I usually end up giving up after a week or two," says Sam. "Even when I meet someone I have a good connection with, I end up feeling not good enough and self-sabotage."
Tips for Dealing With Anxiety as a Male Virgin
Navigating the anxious thoughts and feelings of being a male virgin can be difficult to get under control.
"I've lost sleep worrying about whether or not I'll ever have sex," says Sam.
Though not worrying about the future is easier said than done, Phillips says mindfulness can be a powerful tool for staying grounded in the present.
"Mindfulness can be used where you are accepting yourself for who you are and where you are in the moment," says Phillips. "This is powerful because it helps you focus on the 'What is happening with me now?' as opposed to 'What if I never have sex?'"
RELATED: How to Date When You Have Anxiety
One way to put this into action is to schedule regular self-check-ins. Phillips recommends taking 15 minutes each day to address the below journal prompts:
- How do I feel right now?
- What am I grateful for right now?
- What is something I can do today that will be good for me?
- What is taking up most of my headspace today?
- How have I been speaking to myself lately?
"We tend to internalize anxiety, so it is important to think about how you are treating yourself," says Phillips.
The Value of Not Rushing Your First Time
In the age of the internet, there's no shortage of opportunities for finding a willing participant to lose your virginity. However, this usually results in a less enjoyable sexual experience.
"Most people report that their first sexual experience was not good — one reason being they rushed into it and did not think about what ultimately brings them pleasure," says Phillips.
RELATED: Why Waiting to Have Sex Isn't the Worst Thing
Knowing "how" to have sex is a part of the puzzle you'll have to learn from on-the-job experience. In the meantime, Phillips suggests getting clear on what you want out of your first time – aside from it finally happening.
"Taking your time allows you to process your thoughts and feelings about who you are as a sexual being and what you find sexual and erotic," he says.
If you're struggling with anxiety or are having trouble with the psychological experience of male virginity, don't be afraid to seek help. There's no shame in working with a licensed therapist or certified sex therapist to talk about what you're going through and learn about ways to cope.
You Might Also Dig:
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7or%2FKppynZpOkunC%2FxLFmrJ2olMGqvNJopJqklWLDqr7GoqWirKljtbW5yw%3D%3D